Coming out as trans to family can bring joy, not just loss

Katharine Howell and Lucy Brothwood on the hope and unconditional love that can make relationships stronger

I’m a cis person married to a trans non-binary person who came out to me after more than 10 years together. Phoebe McDowell’s account of her boyfriend coming out as trans (‘I thought my boyfriend of 10 years was going to propose – then he told me he was trans’, 8 October) resonated with me, and I really empathised with her confusion and grief.

However, I think we could all do more to challenge the narrative that coming out as LGBTQ+ will mean loss – loss of relationships, families, status. For my spouse and for me, their coming out has kindled growth and joy, and I don’t think that hope is a story that can be told too many times. And please can we hear about it in the words of trans people, and not just the cis people around them?
Katharine Howell
Oxford

Coming out as trans to my darling late wife was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I risked losing everything. Thankfully, she was understanding, and encouraged and supported me in my transition and surgery.

The years after were the closest and joyful of all our 58 years together. It was simply unconditional love, which was a wonderful feeling for both of us.
Lucy Brothwood
Bovey Tracey, Devon

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